Carol:
Hey, hey, hey rebels. Welcome to another episode of the podcast. I'm excited today because we're changing things up a little bit different. And my guest today is Duane Leckey, who is a certified life and mindset coach and the Founder of Duane Leckey Coaching. And Duane has created his coaching practice to really help midlife men who want to stop under-living and start becoming the fullest version of themselves. That is so awesome. And Duane leverages his expertise as an executive, a business owner, coach, mentor, husband, and father to help midlife men direct their mind, energy, and action towards the future they truly desire without apology.
Carol:
Now, Duane is a creator also and host of the Rebirth of You podcast, where he offers coaching, advising, and encouragement to midlife men on the journey to become the HIM. H-I-M that they truly want to be. I think that is so amazing. And I just want to say, I know usually, this is a podcast for you women, and you're probably like, "Hey, why is there a guy on here?" And I invited Duane to be on this podcast for two really good reasons.
Carol:
First of all, midlife's not a joke, and the midlife pivot is real. And we are experiencing it in multitude of ways, and we all have different experiences. And I think it's really great just to hear other perspectives. And the second reason is just to continue to build dialogue and discourse. We seem to have lost that in our society. And I think it's a great opportunity when we can hear from the other, in a way that's open, the way that's not competitive and not trying to one-up, but really listen to each other and dialogue in ways that hopefully we can be more supportive as we go through this journey of midlife together. And so with that, I want to welcome my guest, Duane. Thank you for being here.
Duane:
Thank you so much, Carol. I am so excited to be here. I loved your intro for me. I wish I could have you on my podcast and just have you do that intro every time because it sounded so great. Thank you.
Carol:
Well, thank you. I really appreciate that. And you and I were having a conversation just to let you guys in on this. We were having a conversation. Both Duane and I were trained under the same life coach certification school, the Life Coach School, and met each other through an affinity group. And like I said, when I saw what he was about just at kindred spirit and definitely wanted to have him on the podcast because, like I said, midlife is not a joke. And I think we were having a conversation about just even your own experience at midlife and just how things have changed for you and really got into conversation about that. I would love to hear a little bit about your own pivot and transition in your career and how that experience has been for you during this midlife journey.
Duane:
Yeah, no, I think that's great. It's a great question. And as you mentioned, we had this conversation about kind of this midlife moment for both of us. And I think for me, what I found to be... I'll say this, it surprised me, even though it was something that I thought I was anticipating, I had always been in dialogue with my wife about what it was going to be like when our kids were older, and we were empty nesters and what our life was going to be like, and are we going to stay connected? And we had conversations about that all throughout our marriage when our kids were babies.
Duane:
So when our youngest went off to college, and we decided to take a break and move back east and get in the apartment a mile from the beach, in my mind, I'm like, "Okay, this is it. We're going to be living it, living it up, and having a good time." And I found myself and this, what I would characterize at just this place of despondency or apathy. And it was weird because I just didn't understand why. I was like, how could I... I have no reason to be feeling this way. I felt like, why am I... I felt shame. Like I was being ungrateful for the life that I had already been afforded. I had a beautiful family, had a great career, beautiful marriage. And here I was feeling this empty feeling inside and not knowing what to do with it or where to go with it.
Duane:
It was a moment of definitely some soul searching for me. And I had to get honest with myself and be honest with my wife and share what I was feeling and really be vulnerable. And that was tough because probably, like a lot of men, I tend to internalize my emotions, and I think I was telling myself a story that like I shouldn't feel these emotions. So then that was causing me to push them down and resist them.
Duane:
It was through coaching that I was able to discover how that pushing down of those emotions was a primary reason that I was suffering. And it was a primary driver of the pain that I was going through. And it was through that understanding that actually led me to the life coach school, the school that we both went to, led me to going on this journey of becoming a coach myself and really led me to focus on helping other midlife men who are facing this time and not really knowing where to go with how they're feeling with their emotions, not understanding what's going on, and help them navigate this period of time. And really see that this is not all that there is. It's not done. They're not done. It's not over. There's a whole life still waiting for them. And the possibilities are endless.
Duane:
I think that we live in a society that tends to want to tell us when to start when to stop, wants to tell us what we should be doing at all these different phases and stages of our lives. And I think that we buy into that. I bought into that. I bought into this idea. It's like, well, I should... My life should be further along, or I should be doing this, or I should have this much money in the bank by now, and I should have. And all these “shoulds” and not realizing that I was constantly beating myself up unnecessarily and creating the experience that I didn't want for myself.
Carol:
Wow. I could totally relate to that because I think I agree with you as a society, we get fed so many messages, and unless we're told something different or see something different, we just get in line and take our number and keep going in that same direction. And so it's just interesting to hear that, as you go along through it, something happens or gets to be an awakening, you're like, "Wait a minute, how did I end up in this line? What is this about if I want to stay in that direction?”
Carol:
For you, when was it like? What was the moment that you were going along the way and realized that, "You know what? Is this really where I want to keep going?" Particularly as a husband, a father, the provider, with all those responsibilities on you.
Duane:
Yeah. So when I think back, I can remember the evening I was working. I worked remotely. This was pre-pandemic. I had already been working remotely. So the whole thing with the pandemic wasn't the new thing for me. And I remember I happened to not be traveling this week, so I was home and end of the day, my wife and I went to the beach at the end of the day, just to, I think we had dinner, and we walked along the beach, and I remember sitting there with her and just feeling the heaviness. And it was a beautiful evening. Everything around me was just gorgeous. So it was a beautiful evening. We're in the beach. Yeah, I think we were living bulk of our town at the time.
Duane:
So, East Coast of Florida, Atlantic ocean, water's beautiful, sand feels great. The sun's hitting me, warm air, and I just felt empty. I felt heavy and sad. And I remember telling my wife because she was like... And this was when I decided to just really just open up about what was going on, how I was feeling. And one of the things that came to my mind at the time was I felt like there was just overriding feeling like I was done. Like that was it.
Duane:
I felt like a part of it had to do with the fact that my kids were older, and I felt like this role that I had played of provider and of the father, and the rear of these children felt like that role had ended. And I feel like... And I think that when I think back on that, a part of the struggle that I was going through was processing that change, was processing that shift. And I didn't really know how to process it.
Duane:
I think that a lot of men go through moments like this, where there is a shift, and they don't know how to process it. And as a result of that, they end up doing things and behaving in ways that, on the outside, looks like, "What the hell are you doing?" And I can see now how that can happen. I can see now how the proverbial midlife crisis is born and it's this inability, or this lack of knowledge or lack of awareness around how to manage and process our own emotions and also dealing with the ideas and the thoughts. I think the way I characterize it. I feel like I was living this shadow life. I feel like there were all these things that I wanted to do, and I felt like it was too late.
Duane:
I was telling myself the story that caused me to believe that that was true, but it wasn't true. And it isn't true for so many of us. What remains is and oftentimes can be so much more than the life that we've lived up to that point. And figuring out and learning that my best years were ahead of me. And then getting to a place where I could start thinking about a future that was bigger, and that helped to compel me and give me the energy to do more now than I was doing before. I just had my executive role, and I thought, "Oh my gosh, how can I do more? How can I do something else? I don't how many times. I'm so busy. I'm so tired of this." And it's amazing because now, here I am, I still have my executive role. I have my coaching business, and I feel like I have more energy, and I tell myself, "I can do twice as much.”
Carol:
Wow.
Duane:
And it's amazing that that has transpired in my life. So that's the thing that I want to help other midlife men connect with and see as possible for them.
Carol:
Yeah. I want to circle back to the energy that you said you're feeling, and from my perspective, I would think it's because, man, once you kind of has that clarity and kind of take back that ownership, it comes from that, but I want you to talk more about that. But I'm curious when you were in the throes of this heaviness and thinking of maybe making some shifts in order to follow your own path, as opposed to a pre-described one, what were some of the challenges, if any, that you faced during that time? How did people respond? How did you respond? What was going on?
Duane:
Yeah. So well, I think for me, it was getting over this idea that I was done, that it was too late for me. I think that was a big part of it. And I think being willing to open up and actually talk about how I was feeling was extremely helpful. And what was amazing was, my wife was 100% supportive of what I wanted to do. So there was no resistance there.
Duane:
All the resistance was in my mind. It was all in my mind, and all the thoughts that I had about, well, how can I do this? I'm going to be working. I've got a "big role," and what are people going to think and what was great? What was also a catalyst for me was right after the pandemic hit pandemic started in March of 2020, June of 2020. I found out I was getting laid off from that "big role." Right?
Carol:
Mm-hmm.
Duane:
So it didn't really matter what those people were going to be thinking about, what I want [inaudible 00:15:53]. And it was during that time. It was in that window of time when I was laid off. I decided to take the summer off that I actually decided to get certified as a coach. So, I took some of the money that I had in savings. Didn't have a new job yet and made the decision to get certified because I was like, "Okay, well, if not now, when? And it's felt like what has transpired up to this point and me getting laid off, I could use that as a reason not to do it, but I chose to use it as a reason to do it. I chose to make that mean that this is why I should do this so that I could actually have some control over my life and my own destiny.
Duane:
I found that it was in the creating of this idea of a bigger future that gave me the energy to be able to do more than I thought was possible before. And creating this future that was bigger. Something for me to look forward to. And this is something I talk a lot about on my podcast and with other men is that, when we were younger, when we were children, we lived for the future. When you're a child, the future is everything. You have this big, vivid, compelling future that is drawing you towards it. You're able to think of things and do things and plan on things that you have never done before, but you never tell yourself, "Well, I have never done that before, so I'm not going to try or think about that." Just that's what you're going to do.
Carol:
Right.
Duane:
For some reason, along the way, we get into adulthood, and we kind of fall into this trance of believing that that's not possible for us anymore. It's like we have to stop thinking about our future that way when we hit 35 or 40 or 45, and that's just not true. That isn't true.
Duane:
I believe so many people who are men who are under living they're doing so as a result of a damn future. There's just no outlook anymore. And so, I love to help people kind of open up to the idea of what's possible that your future isn't determined yet. If you get to decide, you have a choice. It can be as big as you choose for it to be. And I encourage people to make it as big as possible because you'll be amazed at how much energy can be drawn from a very vivid and compelling future.
Duane:
I think a vivid and compelling future will pull you towards it. And that pulling you towards it, that energy is produced. And I think where there's no energy. There's no vision. You've heard the saying before. My people perish for lack of vision. And I think that that's what that means to me.
Carol:
Yeah. So in this moment when you're laid off, and I'm just wondering because I'm curious because from a gender perspective. So you're laid off, you have a family, and you decide that you are going to go get certified, not that you probably weren't lucky for other things, but what was going up for you? What were some of the fears? What were some of the things that... Because it sounds like, "Well, I got laid off. I went and got certification." I mean, in retrospect, when we tell the story. It's like, "I did this, I did that. It all rolled well," but I'm just curious in that moment what was going on? What were some of the thoughts? What were some of the fears that were popping up when you were like, "Oh, shit, I got laid off.”
Duane:
Well, Carol, if I have the pen, that's always going to be a good story if I got the pen.
Carol:
Of course.
Duane:
Right. But I'll take you back to at the time when I got laid off. I had already been listening to positive podcast, coaching podcast, working on my mindset. So this was already something I had already been doing. And it just so happened that that period of time, probably this, I would say the year prior to me getting laid off, I just gotten deeper and was just religious about absorbing the right things that I felt like I needed and really kind of making the connection between my thoughts and my behavior and my feelings.
Duane:
So when the layoff happened, I was actually extremely calm, and I was actually extremely calm. It wasn't the news was a complete shock to me, given the environment that we were in. We were in the pandemic. Companies were shutting off projects. I was in a sales-oriented role. So, my client, their projects were getting shut down. So it wasn't a complete surprise to me, but how I handled, it was a surprise to me because I think back about to that time. And I was like, and I was really assured in that moment that it was going to be okay. Now hold that because that's not how it... It didn't go like that the whole time. So, for your listeners, as Carol said, the picture isn't all bright.
Duane:
So when I got laid off. I remember telling my wife the air was sucked out of the room when she heard the news that I was getting laid off because we were in the middle of a pandemic. So she was like, "What are we going to do?" And I remember telling her, "It's going to be okay. I'm going to take the summer off. I've never been able to do that. And when you see me worry, then you can worry." I said, "But we're going to be fine." So, I took that time. As I mentioned, I decided to get certified in the midst of that period of time, and then after I decided to get certified, I started looking for work. And even during that period of time, I was good.
Duane:
But it was interesting. It was right after I decided, made the decision to get certified. All of a sudden, all these feelings start to come up. All of a sudden, these... And it was crazy because up until making the decision to get certified, it was like, "All good. I'm feeling great. This is all good," press the buy button on the certification, and I'm feeling great. And then, all of a sudden, it's almost as if my body was like, "Oh, now, so you want to do this now, huh? Okay. So you really want to do this. You're sure this is what you want to do. You sure you can do this. You're going to have to go and still get work. You're going to do that. And this, how you going to make that work.”
Duane:
And all of these thoughts start coming up and all these feelings, then all of a sudden, it's like the feelings of fear. And I start to question my choice and can I do this? Should I do this? And then, even as I started the certification, I'll tell you about that because I started a certification as I'm starting a certification. It's like, all these thoughts are coming up now about me looking for work. And I had had some good prospects, had some good interviews, had some good things in the pipeline, but there was all this emotion, all this fear starts coming up.
Duane:
I can't even say that it was like about everything. It wasn't about any one thing. It was about did I say the right thing in the interview? Are they going to see my value? Can I do this certification? Can I be a coach? Can I really do this? Can I really create something for myself?
Duane:
So I stay there to say that none of us are immune from those thoughts. None of us are immune from those feelings. Those things are going to come, and they're going to be there. But as I was going through them, I was making it mean that something was wrong. And it took me doing my own work to realize that, "Oh, this was just a part of the process. This is just a part of what my brain was going to do anytime I was going to step out. Right?
Carol:
Mm-hmm.
Duane:
And go first. And as you said, step out of the line that I was in. Step out the line.
Carol:
I so appreciate you sharing that because I think there is this misconception. Well, first of all, anytime it happens to one of us, we think it's all me. Nobody understands the struggles I've seen. Nobody knows my sorrow. We all sing that song. And so it becomes so encouraging when we know A, I'm not alone, but what I love even more is as a man sharing the honesty of like, "Listen, I was like, what am I doing? What's going on?" There were fears and doubts, and all that comes into play because I think we forget that, like you said, we're not immune and that we all go through it.
Carol:
And so, really, I think it's so vital that we have these conversations so that we know more are in there with us than not. And that is normal. It's not, don't think, like you said, instead of making it mean something about you and your ability and capability and what's possible or not, you just realize it's par for the course. And it's just something that we go through once we step out of that line.
Duane:
Yes.
Carol:
I love that. I so appreciate you sharing that. I really do. So turning to your podcast, so you get certified, and I know that you relocated, you found something and all that, all that good stuff, and moving forth to Rebirth of You. What made you decide to create this podcast? I know you've talked a lot about just wanting to help men understand a lot of the things that we've just been talking about, but what was the catalyst for you saying, "You know what? I'm going to put my voice out there and create a space for this conversation.”
Duane:
When you go through a coaching certification, and just kind of like where we are right now with social media and the internet, you see all of these things. So I think we are constantly served these thoughts and ideas of what we should be doing and how we should be sharing our message, and how we should be giving value. But I felt that there was something that was going to be unique to me in the way I wanted to communicate, the way I wanted to share, the way I wanted my voice to be heard. And I felt like a podcast for me was the best way to do that. And that doesn't mean that that was an easy thing to do. It doesn't. And when I say easy, I don't mean like... Doing a podcast is very simple when you really think about it.
Carol:
Yeah.
Duane:
Mechanically, technically, it's a very simple thing. It's like, you get a mic, you got a computer. You're good. It wasn't the actual reality. It was all the mental stuff that I had to go through in order just to get myself, to be able to put my voice out there and get over the mind chatter that I had around, "Well, are people going to listen to me? Who am I to think that my voice should be heard above all the others," and all of these thoughts, but I went on an annual basis, we have a coaching mastermind. That's a part of the school that we were both certified in, and I went to that mastermind this April, and before I went to the mastermind, I told myself, I said, "I don't want this to be an event that I just come out and talk about and about, talk about how great it was. I want this to be an event where on the other side, I talk about what I did as a result of being there.”
Duane:
It was so interesting because when I got there the whole time, they were talking about action, doing, doing. So it was like, "Okay, here we go. I'm in the flow." And I left there... I decided there that I was going to do a podcast. And I decided then and there that that was what I was going to do. And I came home, and I ordered the mic, and I ordered the mic stand, and I did, and I was like, "Okay when that comes, you're going to open it up. The first week gets here. You're not going to let a week go by and just have the box sitting there in your office." And I got it. And then the box came, and it sat in my office for a day, another day. And I was like, "Okay, day three, got to open it.”
Duane:
I opened it and kind of put things together. And I was just playing around with it. And I was like, "Okay." And I was just sitting here, and I was like, "You know what? I'm just going to start talking." And no one was here. There was no one with me. And I remember saying, just trying to say random words and doing another take, doing another take, doing another thing.
Duane:
Then I finally just started talking, and I just got into a flow, and it wasn't perfect. And I told myself, you're not going to go back and do a bunch of editing on this because that is going to because it's this constant editing of ourselves is what gets in the way, we've been convinced that we've got to, in order to progress, in order to get the results that we want in life that we've got to put out A+ work. And there's this perfect. It's got to be perfect before we put it out into the world.
Duane:
Then I told myself ahead of time. I said, "You're not going to sit here and edit this thing down. You're just going to put it out there. And you'll get better as you go.”
Carol:
Yeah. I love that. Give yourself permission. Yes.
Duane:
Yes.
Carol:
Yes.
Duane:
Exactly.
Carol:
To get better.
Duane:
To give yourself permission.
Carol:
Yeah.
Duane:
And that's the other thing, too. It's realizing that I don't need anyone else's permission. We don't need anyone else's permission. And that was something that I had kind of understood. I had kind of learned, and I applied someone in my corporate career, but I found that it was easier to apply that in the confines of a corporate entity, of an organization because you feel safe. You can feel safe because you've got the backing of this corporate infrastructure so that they're not going to let you screw up too bad. Right?
Carol:
Right.
Duane:
But when you're on your own, and it's just you, you got to have your own back.
Carol:
Right.
Duane:
Because there's no one else there, you got to have your own back. So that means that when it comes time to put something out into the world, you've got to trust that it's good enough, and then if it's not, you're going to get better, and you're going to learn from it. And then you do that, and that's kind of just how I stepped into it.
Carol:
Yeah. I think you're right. You have the safety of the organization, but you also don't have anybody else to blame.
Duane:
Yes.
Carol:
We can always say, "Well, it really wasn't me. It was the company," if they actually danced up for me. So it's all on you, but I think so many things that you said, first of all, making the decision. And then so you ordered everything. And then when it came in, not to be intimidated by that, it's like, "I'm going to stick to it," holding yourself accountable.
Duane:
Yes.
Carol:
And then just going in there, going after it. And one of the things I always tell my clients about when it comes to career, decision-making always seems life or death decision-making. And you're always afraid of what if I make the right move or say the wrong thing, or go in the wrong direction. But you know what I think you demonstrated just even in this podcast, going after your certification, all the things, and me too doing that kind of stuff, is that you just kind of got to put yourself out there and see what happens.
Carol:
That really your career is no different than any other aspect of your life is that you just got to kind of put some stuff out there and see what happens. You have to go for that interview or go for that job or try something different or experiment a little bit, just so that you can gain more, not just confidence in yourself, but more data and information to, I think, continue to prove to yourself that you can do hard, difficult, challenging, unorthodox whatever things that are possible out there.
Carol:
So I think just your story of just saying, "I'm going to do this. I'm going to make the decision," and holding yourself accountable and just putting yourself out there. And one of the biggest things is not caring what other people think. I always tell people, other people are too busy in their own stories and scripts most of the time to be cared about your story and script. So it could be your child.
Carol:
One of the things I do want to ask, though, too, and this I think is really interesting from your perspective because, well, there are men in a life coach school. It is a woman vibe organization. I mean, when you not agree with that, from the top down, it is like female-heavy.
Carol:
So from this perspective, you are on the other side, of what most women experience when they go into meals or industries or things of that nature. So how did you navigate that or negotiate that? Did anything come up at all for you about that when you entered in, when you even thought about this program and, like you said, coming to the mastermind because I know there was women, there's a lot of screaming at all?
Duane:
Oh, so no is a great question. And yes, it was something that I had to negotiate, but it didn't take me any time. And what I mean by that is when I had started listening to the podcast and the life coach school, it was clear and evident who the client avatar was for the school. Right?
Carol:
Yeah.
Duane:
It was not a man. And there was no apology in that, nor should there have been. Right?
Carol:
Mm-hmm.
Duane:
There was just that was the market. And so I do remember the question coming up in my mind, could you see yourself going to this school? Could you see yourself? And I remember immediately answering the question. I'm like, "The shit is good. Hell yeah, I'm going to go." That was my answer. What I was hearing was some of the best stuff I had heard and packaged in a way and within a framework that I felt like this made sense to me.
Duane:
The other piece is that I have grown a custom and comfortable being one of a few in many, in most of the rooms that I walk into. So from that perspective, I was like, "Eh, this would just be like any other day." And so for me, it was really about, I was wedded to the content. I was wedded to my result, and when I thought about it, and I thought into the future, I didn't want that to be the reason why I didn't do the thing that I felt was going to be the best for me. And when I look back now, I'm glad that I chose for my future self and not for my present self at that time. [inaudible 00:41:02].
Carol:
That's just going right there. That's tweetable. That's a tweetable. I'm glad I chose for my future self and not my current self, the person I was that day. That is fabulous right there. That is so true. I love that. I love that.
Carol:
Listen, when you're thinking about making choices and decisions you want to make, think about the person that you want to be and what you want to accomplish and have at the other end of it and not all the drama or whatever that's happening with you today. I love that. That's tweetable for sure.
Carol:
So I have another question for you. So, professional women at midlife tend to focus more on others. I hear women say all the time that they've just gotten so used to by this time they have kids. They have a partner. They're maybe caring for aging parents, PTAs. All of this externally focused support that they give.
Carol:
So there's a lot of fear around making a change or taking a risk giving all that up, moving out of the current person that they are kind of like what we talked about in lieu of where they want to go. And what are some of the ways that you think men in midlife can be supportive of women at midlife during this time in the process while they're trying to figure out their... While they're stepping out of line, figuring out their new path, and stepping into who they want to be. Now, this is a big question I'm asking you to speak on behalf of every man in the world.
Duane:
Put on my man cap.
Carol:
But I'm just curious from your perspective. I'll put it that way. What do you think could be helpful when women are kind of going through those kind of things? If they're open to have conversations with men about it.
Duane:
Yeah. I think one is, is being open and willing to have conversations about it and to really see that and be willing to hear and listen and understand the journey that a woman in midlife is going through. Though there are similarities, there are a lot of differences. And I think one of the things that we can do as men is not feeling like we've got to come in and solve for what women are going through. And quite frankly, we don't necessarily have answers that you're going to need because the challenges that women are facing are, again, I think from emotionally, mentally, as far as mindset, I think there are a lot of similarities, but I also think that how that presents itself for a woman is very different. And I think that how the world responds to a woman is very different.
Duane:
I think one of the things that men can do, if nothing else, just acknowledge that. Acknowledge that fact. Acknowledge the fact that how a woman is responding to as she shows up in the world is just different than what I'm going to experience. And I've seen this with my wife, I've seen this with my daughter. I've seen this with my female colleagues and women who have worked for me, and women who I've reported to.
Duane:
So I think for men, I think we could have a tendency to what I would say, and I'm going to say this, and I'm just going to say it, have a tendency to almost turn down the volume when we're hearing women describe the challenges and the fears and the situations and the issues that they're going through.
Duane:
What I would say for men is that you're cutting off a great opportunity. You're just cutting off an opportunity to open up your own experience of the world, your own experience as a human. And I think that, and for me having a daughter, I think about this a lot. I think about the world that I want her to grow up in, that I have always taught my daughter to like, "You go first," you don't wait, you don't wait for permission. You can do and not just in cliche, I'm like, "You put your mind to it, you can do it. You want to do it. You decide right now, be the person now.”
Duane:
I remember telling her, "There is no magic pixie dust that happens when you become an adult that gets sprinkled on you. And all of a sudden, you just start thinking and acting." I'm like, "You have to do that work.”
Carol:
We'd be looking for it, though, but that's right.
Duane:
Oh yeah. All-day long. All-day long. I'm like, and whatever it is you want to do, I'm like, "I'll support you. It's your life. You get to your life. You own it. I don't own it. I don't own it." And I think that it's interesting. I think a lot of men, they may not even realize how much they predetermined how a woman should be showing up in the world in their own lives. There's this predetermined idea. And so I would challenge men to ask themselves, like, "Who would you be if you didn't have that predetermined idea on how women should show up in the world, how they should be, who would you be? How would you interact? How would you relate?”
Carol:
Wow. Wow. That's powerful. And I love the lesson that you're giving to your daughter. In a lot of ways, you're just telling her, "You have your own agency, so just go for it." So it doesn't have to be like we talked about earlier about this waiting for permission or falling in line with getting in line that we're supposed to be into and listening to all these other voices and really helping her to listen to her own. And I think that's probably one of the most powerful things I would think about because it's from a female perspective and definitely from my age group, that's not something. I had a father so much yours who I think gave me a lot of agency, but it definitely was being combated against at that time in the '60s and '70s where women didn't have, the rest of the world was like, "Your father's crazy.”
Carol:
Even my own mother who had grown up in terms of how a woman should be and should act. And getting those messages from her as well was really conflicting. But to be able to start from that age to say, "Don't wait for it. Don't look for it. There's no magic year number pixie does coming your way. Just set it up right now and go for it." I think that's so powerful.
Duane:
Yeah. And even-
Carol:
Go ahead.
Duane:
Even my voice, I've even have coached her on being careful not to be biased by what I would prefer for her to do. Because I was like, "Even I don't know what's best for you." I'm like, "I have desires for you, but my desires are biased by the fact that I'm your father.”
Carol:
Right.
Duane:
And I'm dealing with my own ideas and emotions and fears and around her and her existence. And so I say my piece, but I also give her the freedom in the agency to decide for herself.
Carol:
Yeah. Wow. What a gift, honestly. What a gift, what a great way to set her up for her life, and what a great foundation. She's going to have to lean back to and depend on when everything else around her is storming and welling around her with either a different message or a different focus, but what a great foundation. So I always ask people, what does it mean to you to be a career rebel?
Duane:
I love that question. And I think some of it. I will say goes back to one of the things I said earlier is being a career rebel, to me, means you going first. Being a career rebel means not waiting for permission. Being a career rebel means not waiting to check all the boxes for the role that you want to go for. And to know that whoever was in that role before they had to figure it out. And so can you.
Duane:
That is what, in my mind, it means to be a career rebel. It's like, you've got to call your own shot, and you've got to be willing to take some risk, and it doesn't mean that everything's going to turn out, but I'd rather be failing going after my future self than to just be really successful, but just living the same life and being very successful in my current state. I'd rather be going after it.
Carol:
I love that. That's another tweetable.
Duane:
Yeah.
Carol:
I love that. I'd rather be going failing going after it than being successful being stuck where I'm at. I love that. Yeah. Gosh, that's so good. There's so much we miss out on our life, and we just kind of plant ourselves down and limit our thinking. I always say that people can't see beyond their own limitations. And so why it's so important to hear other voices and to be in other conversations to continue to expand your mind and your thinking about what's possible. And then when you do hear what's possible to just don't stay stuck there and to actually move in the direction of it, to just trip and fall and fail, like you said, on the way to something that could be so much bigger and broader than you ever thought imaginable.
Carol:
I know even for myself, I stepped into what I'm doing now around the time I was turning 50, and the life I've led for the last going into my 58th year, it almost feels like I got speaking of rebirth.
Carol:
In a lot of ways, I feel like, what I've experienced these last eight years, would've never been possible for me had I stayed in an old way of thinking or thinking this was all for me or it was too late for me, or it was too old for me. Or what I've done in the past is only an indication of what I could possibly do in the future. And just by saying, yes, like you going to the conference and saying, "I'm going to take action. I'm going to do this podcast. I'm going to get my voice out there," and actually doing it, failing forward, just my goodness. The opportunities let you know that what's possible is truly endless. And with every level, another door opens up that you can go through if you give yourself permission to do that.
Duane:
Absolutely.
Carol:
Wow.
Duane:
Yeah.
Carol:
This has been phenomenal. Thank you so much for this conversation, Duane.
Duane:
Thank you.
Carol:
I have enjoyed it so much. How can people find you? Or what else is coming up? What other barriers are you breaking that we need to know about and stay in tuned with?
Duane:
Sure. So you can find me at duaneleckey.com. So I'm on the web at duaneleckey.com, and you can also find me on social media, duaneleckeycoaching on Instagram and Facebook. My podcast is the Rebirth of You. And for you ladies listening, if there is a man in your life that you've seen and you've watched, and you're watching him, and you're looking at him, and you think that he's under living, there is more for him, and he just needs some help, send him my way. You can send him to duaneleckey.com/consult. He can get a free 35-minute consult with me, where I'll share with him. What this work looks like. Will actually go into some coaching, and we can talk about what it's like to work with me. And this is what I love to do. Like I said, I got more energy now than I've ever had, and it's only the beginning.
Carol:
Ah, I love it. And I will make sure that all of the links to be able to access that free consult and to listen to your podcast as well is available in the show notes and listen. Yes, I agree. You all have heard this conversation. Put that link, drop that link in emails and send it to your male folk friends so they can actually open themselves up to these conversations and start listening so that we can really start helping each other along this journey and this midlife journey. Again, Duane, thank you so much for being here. I appreciate it.
Duane:
Thank you.
Carol:
Yeah. All right. That's it for us today. Rebels, listen, thank you so much for joining again, Rebirth of You podcasts. I'll drop the link, share that with the male counterparts in our life because we're having the conversation, so should they, and then together we can listen to each other and really make a change in our lives. Listen, and until next time, have an amazingly rebellious week. See you soon.
